Dyslexia Meet Up Group - and my continuing identity issues.

I've another activity to add to my ever expanding collection of dyslexia projects, I'm now helping out with a dyslexia meet up group based in London.

The meet up group is aimed at dyslexic professionals and entrepreneurs. It provides a mix of socialising, networking, free talks, and workshops (details here: http://www.meetup.com/Dyslexic-Entrepreneurs-and-Professionals/). A friend invited me to one of their sessions, and it sounded really interesting, so I said I'd come along. Then my friend asked if I'd help run part of the session, facilitating a group discussion about the sort of sessions members of the group would be interested in attending in future. I said I'd do this too.

Then I just had to worry about if I'd be any good at this or not, and if I'd be taken seriously.

I was pretty sure I could handle it, or I wouldn't have said yes, but there are always those voices of self doubt at the back of my mind, which come up with reasons why I can't, instead of why I can.

I know, that I am good at talking to people, at understanding them, and performing for them. I've always been good at this, and I have the awards, and grades, to prove this (at least to myself). But I am not used to being taken seriously, or respected, not right off the bat. I'm used to being judged, and under estimated. Of course, this is partly the dyslexia; there have been many people, especially teachers, who expected less of me because of it, directly, or indirectly. More than that, I'm used to being under estimated due to my age, and because I've looked younger than I am, and because of my nature. I'm polite, and I'm quite, most of the time. I watch and listen more than I speak in most settings. When I do talk, especially about the things I am most interested in, often people find it odd or struggle to keep up. I can be silly, and I'm a bit dreamy. I dress in a way that is slightly delicate, and pretty, and different.

I know, when people look at me they often see a girl in her late teens (instead of mid twenties), someone shy, with little life experience; someone with less knowledge, and skills, and strength, than them. Someone who needs looking after, instead of someone with things to offer. Someone fragile. It doesn't help that my dyslexia means I struggle with basic tasks, like finding my way around, and that sometimes, I really do need help, just to cope with things others take for granted.

I cannot remember ever feeling truly valued or recognized for who I am, and I don't know if I ever will. What I do remember is being treated as something amusing, but inferior, and as an easy target for abuse.

That sort of sums up most of my life up till now, a constant struggle against other people's perceptions of who I am, and who I can be.

I think one of the reasons I care so god damn much about helping other dyslexic people, is because, for me, school was a sort of psychological torment. For a couple of years I would hardly talk while at school, I wished I would just disappear, or would die, or that everyone else at school would. I hated myself, and everyone around me (I could only have been about eight years old), in my teens, I thought about killing myself. I've worked so hard to get over this, but I'm always going to be a bit screwed up because of it...and you know, I'm meant to be one of the lucky ones, who got picked up early, and got lots of support. My home life, was also far from perfect. My father is very domineering, and one of the things I am struggling with at the moment is finding out that the reason I always felt something was wrong at home, or missing, was because that too, was an abusive environment. I was always being put down, and I honestly thought that being threatened with violence for not eating my vegetables was normal, as was being talked about like chattel. It was just funny/annoying things my dad did...Now, I look back on it all, and it seems so sinister. My mother, while amazing in some ways, has also let me down a lot in others.

Yesterday, I re-read a load of old MSN conversation and emails between me and my bestfriend. I have no idea how I coped so well with the sort of things I was writing about. Not only did I cope, but I managed to stay surprisingly upbeat about it all.

And that is who I am. I am someone who copes with things, who over comes barriers, and who hangs onto the good things, even when most things are bad. Someone who has mostly had to do this on their own, and fought to get people to see they need help, and what that help has to be. If anything, I'm someone who steps in and helps other people, because I know how it feels to struggle, and need support.

I know who I am, and that is my greatest gift. I have always been able to weigh others opinions of me, and see the truth. I'm not just some cutesy, ditzy, girl, with big eyes. But someone with a lot of insight, and strength, and someone who is very, very bright... and that is part of why most people don't get me.

I ended up really enjoying going to the meet up group, and rather than feeling out of my depth, I felt in my element. If there is one thing I understand it is dyslexia, and how to deal with dyslexic difficulties. I didn't realise how much I knew until I was talking to all these different people about such a broad range of topics relating to it.

I really need to worry less about how people see me. If I trust myself, and act like the person I know I am, eventually people will see me for who I am, and will realise how much I do have to share.

Anyone else ever suffer from this sort of self doubt? How do you work through it?