It's different with writing, longer stuff or on twitter. I'm still an unseen thing behind the screen. Being filmed is different, being seen and having people hear my voice...although I suppose people can hear me via The Codpast audiobook reviews I do...I'm working on building up some more now, choosing which books to use together. I always try to find a good contrast and make sure it's not the same thing all the time, though I'm sure my tastes will come through anyway. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.
But that's not why the YouTube reviews are only just starting to go up (I've only uploaded one of the two so far, as of me writing this, the one I thought I sounded best in as it was recorded second, after I got used to the camera). It's because when I first played back the edited versions (thank you Laura, you're amazing) the sound was entirely out of sink with the footage. It was fine for Laura, who did the filming, but the computer I tried to play it on, no matter how I tried to view the content, didn't work. We couldn't understand why it wasn't working.
Laura eventually burnt me a DVD, it still didn't work, so she suggested she upload them to YouTube for me to see if that made a difference. I don't know quite why, but I gave it a go myself, and the uploaded version worked perfectly. The only thing I had to worry about was when and what order to release them in, and the feeling of vulnerability that went with deciding I was going to do it.
I sent links to a few people I trusted, first, and showed my boyfriend. Despite telling me 'I don't do feedback,' he said on the first review, one of The Bullet-Catcher's Daughter by Rod Duncan, I made way too many pauses, and sometimes looked like I was reading off the back of the book. I bristled at this initially, because I already felt worried about these details. Really, I was after reassurance, I wanted him to say it was just great, and he loved it. I thought about it before saying anything, because I knew my reaction was learnt defensiveness. I've spent so long having to been my own cheerleader and refusing to let any criticism settle, because I had to in order to keep my sense of worth.
I think when you are trying to create something, honesty is a lot more helpful than the praise given because of your relationship to others. I knew he was right, even if the pauses and my general air of discomfort was to do with how aware I was that I was being filmed, that people would be watching me back. Having my own criticisms confirmed means I know I'm judging things fairly, not with too harsh or too generous an eye. I tend to swing between these two states with my creations, from blind love to seeing flaws that might not be noticeable to anyone else, obsessing over the placement of commas, constantly erasing and re-drawing lines. I was able to say thank you and to put what he said into context, even as the words stung and vibrated through me. I knew I was just going to have to learn to deal with it, and I am getting better at it. After that initial reaction to argue back, in my head or out loud, I can take it in calmly, sifting through peoples words, holding them up against the facts and my own instincts...it's not like I'm great with compliments either, there's always a sense of mistrust. I'm still learning to take them at face value, and to just say thank you.
Besides, other people said plenty of positive things, I made my comparisons, and saw many of those good qualities in the reviews, too. It's hard, but I think I have to listen when I ask these things, or why bother? I just...have to try and find the balance myself, keep hold of the stuff that's helpful and try to disregard the stuff that isn't. - Oh, if it were that easy, and inside I was less raw. Part of me still craves that recognition I never got as a kid, and is scared of being found wanting, as much as I try to tell myself I don't need applause. That I am enough in myself, and as long as I know this, other people's views don't matter. It's human to want to belong, to be wanted, to be seen, that's the trouble. I craved it even when I used to pull away from others by choice, scared of being rejected once again. Comforting myself by say I was amazing, I was better, and those 'norms' just didn't appreciate my gifts...Yeah, to do that I'd have to give them a chance to get to know me. I could always feel the fear of mediocrity pulling at me underneath, a strong, inky, current tugging at my chest,
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| I spent so much time worrying about actually being 'watched' by the unforgiving camera that I struggled to say what I wanted to, at least as fluently as I'd have liked. Every pause felt like an eternity. |
While it's leaves a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, to release something so imperfect into the world, I'm going to do it anyway. Sometimes you have to take those sort of risks and put yourself out there, and just try and learn from it for next time...even if next time it's a different medium. There's always an opportunity to apply knowledge from one area of life to another...More than that, I don't want to be so scared of my imperfections, or those in what I create, that I never end up putting anything out there...I keep telling myself 'at least you gave it a go, a lot of people wouldn't even do that, and it's your first try. Who get's anything perfect on the first try, who gets things perfect ever? This is an opportunity to learn, and grow, and really, you are meant to be doing this to help people...It's not really about you. It's about doing your best to give people information they are looking for, or didn't know they needed, a chance to connect to something you love so desperately.'
90 people have viewed the first uploaded YouTube video. I was aiming for 50, so that's good, right? I've got emails about it and what I am doing, messages elsewhere on the internet trail I've been rolling out behind me, even as I wonder if it's really such a great idea. Facts to hold onto, when the tide changes, and doubt rolls in.
Sarah's first Youtube Review is of Books About Dyslexia for Parents.
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